Contest--Last Day

Okay, this is it... the lat day to win an angryromancegrrl t-shirt. Enter now!

You know you want it!

Ah....Valentines....

The best part about Valentines is that it's the one holiday based on romance. The worst thing? It’s based on romance. It's very yin/yang.

Based on the yin/yang love/hate principle, I've devised my own angryromancegrrl list of gifts to send to the man in your life.

Pictures

LOVE: A hot picture of YOU, framed in a non-girly frame. A little cleavage if you have it. Show your legs. Something that he'll appreciate and want to show off to his friends.

NOTE: Do NOT send a half-naked picture of yourself with your hoo-ha flashing for all the world to see. First of all--NO ONE wants to see that and second, if you break up. it will be on the Internet. Really. Don’t make me say it again.

HATE: Send him/her a picture of yourself with someone else

NOTE: I've done this. I dated a guy for quite a while and we broke up. A few months later (after I moved to another state) he called to say he missed me and would I send a picture. I sent him a picture of myself and the guy I was dating at the time. I made sure we both looked uber-hot. I never heard from him again.

Candy

LOVE: Personalized M&M's: 8 characters per line and an array of colors. You can tell someone who much you love them. Want them. Etc. AND you can say it with chocolate. How cool is that?

HATE: Sadly, they will NOT let you swear on an M&M. Sigh. So no 'fun' phrases like 'Bite Me'' or "Fuck Off'. Pity. But if you are not feeling the love this Valentines and want to say it with candy, go check out the Bittersweets at despair.com. There are 3 kinds Dejected. Dysfunctional. Dumped. All have 37 sayings that are…shall we say…bitter! Hence the name. My favorite? Peaked at 17. Ouch!

Letters

LOVE: One of the best gifts you can give someone is telling them how you feel about them in a letter. Don't get too gushy but let him know he matters. A little. Even macho dudes like to know that you want to spend the holiday with them--not just a random someone.

HATE: Take all the letter, cards, etc that he gave you, tear them up, burn them and send them back. Make sure pieces are legible so he knows what you sent. Add glitter for that 'ha ha ha fuck you' feeling.

Jewelry

LOVE: Nothing says love like something shiny. I like diamonds. Emeralds. Rubies are good. And if some man needs an excuse to give me the sparkly treats, I am all over it! I prefer bracelets for anyone who cares

HATE: Sell the sparklies and buy yourself a nice trip to Greece. Hook up with the hot pool boy. Send pictures.

WOW

I am so impressed with the plethora of snarky and SMART responses I've received for the contest.

Two more days ladies and then we'll pick a winner. I've said it before and I'll say it again--it is going to be TOUGH!

Got Snark?

Got GREAT snark? If you do, you might win an angryromancegrrl t-shirt. (That's the back of the shirt. There's a pocket-sized logo on the front)

For those who are not familiar with angryromancegrrl, she is a cartoon character I created in response to the irritating and (generally) uninformed comments I was hearing about the romance genre.

After hearing someone say 'I'm sure you people just churn them out' then turn to me and say "No offense"...I HAD to do something. Of course I was offended. How could I NOT be offended. WTF is WRONG with people?!

So--angryromancegrrl was born. When people put down the genre, she is the one that makes the snarky comeback. There is no ‘being polite’. No ‘if you can’t say something nice’. Nope. Just all snark all the time.

Her favorites retorts:

1. Bite me
2. Come closer and say that.
3. What bothers you more: the sex or the romance?
4. No, I'm not laughing with you. I'm laughing at you.
5. You! Off my planet.
6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
7. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
8. That explains a lot.
9. Kiss my crayon-colored ass.
10. Three words: 51 million readers.

Anyway, I put her on hiatus for awhile, but I found myself missing her. Granted, she can be a HUGE pain but there's something about her that makes me smile.

So her blog is back. And to celebrate—another contest!
Here are the Contest rules.

1) Read her list of retorts and then post your own snarky retort on this blog in the comment section.

2) The best new retort wins....an angryromancegrrl t-shirt.

3) Who decides the winner? Myself and my three snarkiest, funniest friends: Cathy Pegau. Tracy Montoya. Amy Jandrey.

Now, about the shirt. As far as I know, it’s the last one I have. I found it when I was going through a box of author ‘stuff’. It’s brand new, size XL and is a man’s shirt so it’s generous in size. This. Is. It.

So, please don’t’ ask me something foolish like “Do you have another size?” I’ll still give you the shirt if you win but I’ll also give you a ration of crap.

If you win and it’s too big, give it to a friend and they will OWE YOU. And nothings sweeter than someone owing you a favor.

Zombie Overlords?

My sister and I were discussing zombies yesterday (cause we both love a good zombie flick) and a question came up.: Do zombies eat each other? No one ever shows that in the movie and I find it troublesome. If they only eat live people, then what happens when everyone is a zombie? Does the whole zombie population die out?

Face it. They are NOT the smartest of the monsters. With the exception of the movie 28 Days Later in which the zombies are wicked-fast, they tend to lumber. There is also a lot of grunting and moaning (and not in a good way) which I think shows a serious lack of communication.

Frankly, I think zombies are very shortsighted. Otherwise, they’d be rationing people like candy. So, while I love a good zombie move (Sean of the Dead is the best IMO) in the long run, they are a doomed species. They will never win over people, and we'll never have a zombie overlord cracking a zombie whip over our heads. Not sure about you, but I'll sleep better tonight!

Adventures in Tech Support

I had to call tech support the other day. Now, I could rant about that, but what annoyed me even more than a laptop having fits was the company’s phone system. All multi-option phone systems are irritating as hell, but what made this one worse was that it used voice recognition. They try to pick a soothing voice that doesn’t piss you off, but when it repeats every thing you say, it could sound like freaking James Bond and you’d still go insane. Do you know what would make it more interesting? If they would make a voice recognition programs that understood swearing.
Sharron's Perfect World of Tech Support

System: “You’ve said Tech support. Is this correct?”
Me (after taking five minute to get to here). “Yes.”

System: “Please indicate one of the following: “Software. Hardware. Operating system. Peripheral”
Me: “Hardware.”

System: You’ve said Hardware. Is this correct?”
Me (starting to steam): “Yes.”

System: “Please indicate one of the following. Desktop. Notebook.”
Me: “Notebook Dammit.”

System: I did not understand your answer. Please indicate either Desktop or Notebook.
Me: “Bastards. Just transfer me to a live person.”

System: “Transferring now.”

Another scenario

System: “Please say one of the following. Tech support. Billing. Home Sales. Business Sales—“ Me (beating the phone against the desk): “Fuuuuuuuck!”
System: “I see you’ve asked for customer service. Transferring now”.

Yes, I have some rage issues when it comes to phone systems. Who doesn’t? Companies overuse the options so it takes a gi-normous amount of time to get to where you need to go. And by the time you get to a live person, you’re so angry you’re venting all over the poor sap. Thinking about it, my perfect world of tech suport would be having a computer that worked and not having to call tech support....ever!

Nobility, My Ass

Ahh, I've missed angryromancegrrl. So snarky. So painfully truthful. Don't ya just LOVE it?!

She's back! And to start--here's my favorite blog from her archive:

Nobility, My Ass

My niece is really into the whole concepts of “Princess’s”. And (according to her) a big part of being a Princess is how to dress, finding a Prince to marry, and how one should behave.

On that note, I have my own rules for appropriate Princess behavior and this is not for kids:

Princess’s…
1. Don’t say ‘fuck’
2. Must wear panties
3. Don’t threaten to kill you and hide the body
4. Don’t ‘put out’
5. Don’t snort when they laugh
6. Don’t brag about their collection of 4” stiletto-heeled shoes and they certainly don’t wear them
7. Sit with their knees together (see rules 1 and 4)


As you can see, being a Princess is a bit of a bore. It’s better to be Queen! My rules for appropriate Queen behavior:

1. Rules? There are no RULES for being the Queens.

Which means, (if you think about it)... they can wear the rubber dress and 4-inch heels without panties and when they slip their boyfriend the tongue while he’s feeling them up, they can demand a good screw up against the wall. If he refuses, they can kill him and hide the body. And when they stand on his cold, cold grave (in their 4-inch stilettos of course), they will laugh and give a little snort.

It’s good to be Queen.