Got GREAT snark? If you do, you might win an angryromancegrrl t-shirt. (That's the back of the shirt. There's a pocket-sized logo on the front)
For those who are not familiar with angryromancegrrl, she is a cartoon character I created in response to the irritating and (generally) uninformed comments I was hearing about the romance genre.
After hearing someone say 'I'm sure you people just churn them out' then turn to me and say "No offense"...I HAD to do something. Of course I was offended. How could I NOT be offended. WTF is WRONG with people?!
So--angryromancegrrl was born. When people put down the genre, she is the one that makes the snarky comeback. There is no ‘being polite’. No ‘if you can’t say something nice’. Nope. Just all snark all the time.
Her favorites retorts:
1. Bite me
2. Come closer and say that.
3. What bothers you more: the sex or the romance?
4. No, I'm not laughing with you. I'm laughing at you.
5. You! Off my planet.
6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
7. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
8. That explains a lot.
9. Kiss my crayon-colored ass.
10. Three words: 51 million readers.
Anyway, I put her on hiatus for awhile, but I found myself missing her. Granted, she can be a HUGE pain but there's something about her that makes me smile.
So her blog is back. And to celebrate—another contest!
Here are the Contest rules.
1) Read her list of retorts and then post your own snarky retort on this blog in the comment section.
2) The best new retort wins....an angryromancegrrl t-shirt.
3) Who decides the winner? Myself and my three snarkiest, funniest friends: Cathy Pegau. Tracy Montoya. Amy Jandrey.
Now, about the shirt. As far as I know, it’s the last one I have. I found it when I was going through a box of author ‘stuff’. It’s brand new, size XL and is a man’s shirt so it’s generous in size. This. Is. It.
So, please don’t’ ask me something foolish like “Do you have another size?” I’ll still give you the shirt if you win but I’ll also give you a ration of crap.
If you win and it’s too big, give it to a friend and they will OWE YOU. And nothings sweeter than someone owing you a favor.
26 comments:
If I'm a judge, does that mean I can't enter? Dang! How about if I post some samples? What will that get me?
Great idea for a contest, even if I can't win anything : P
Woohooo! This should be fun. Give us your best snark, people! We're some seriously tough judges, so whimpy entries will be laughed at publicly and thrown in the ceremonial fire for our amusement. You think Simon Cowell is tough? Hell, he's a sniveling school girl compared to us.
Muwahahahahahahahahaha....
Too much coffee today, Amy? :)
Hey, I live in the land of Starbucks, what do you expect?
Hi! I'll give it a try.
The following is a dramatization of actual events. Only the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.
I ran into an old friend a month or two ago. We chatted a few minutes and I told him I was writing a book. I explained it was romance.
A few weeks later he emails me and asks if I want to come over and do "research" for my book.
My reply: "Research? You need help with research? Go get a book and read. Maybe then you'll learn something."
Hi ladies,I liked #3 the best. Okay I am going to give it a try. How about
How dare you!
What no romance in your life
(High-five, Cathy! And hello, Amy!)
I'm a judge?! Then I can't post snark?
I'll post some anyway, because I'm just a rebel like that:
1) Oh, I'm just too, too impressed that you only read literary fiction. Has Stephen Hawking's think tank begged you to join them yet?
2) Here's one I get a lot: "I'd read your book if you wrote actual suspense."
My response: "I'd give you a copy if you had an actual brain.":
3) Generally, I believe in nonviolence, but for you, I'll make an exception. ::::roundhouse kick to the forehead::::
OK, not mine, but must post it anyway!
(waving to Amy, Tracy and Cathy)
It's Debbie Macomber's (given the recent plagiarism debacle, gotta quote your sources!) She was at a signing and the lady told her with a *sniff* "I don't read those kind of books."
Debbie replied, "What, no pictures?"
OK, and now my own...because I need another t-shirt...like hell and damn, no, but I can't resist. After all it's angryromancegrrl!
What about:
1) "And I care because?"
2) "I'm sorry were the aliens talking to you again, because it came out all garbled?"
3) "Well of course you don't read romance. That takes an intellgent, sophisticated individual who can appreciate the subtle nuiances of subtext."
4) "WTF? Did I ask you?" ::::glare with laser eyes until there is a quarter-sized hole in forehead::::
AND...
5) ::::shrug:::: "Bet my sex life is better than yours."
(waving--Hi, ladies!)
Oh, this is going to be sooooo difficult : )
I have an entry from someone who was having computer issues and emailed me instead.
Michele Hart says: "Sorry to to hear about your boring sex life!" HA!
Good one, Michele :)
Spam word: megaadz--big advertisements on lolcats?
You don't read those books? I guess the cereal box takes too long to finish.
You don't read those books? That's okay, your husband's girlfriend does.
You don't read those books? Is this because Dr. Phil said you needed to spend more time exercising?
I don't think I would actually say any of these but it's funny to think about.
Jody W.
Tracy (waves back) Damn those were good!
And this IS going to be a lot tougher than I thought. We got some snarky-assed minds out there! (wow, that sounds disgusting, doesn't it) Okay, I'm settling in with my triple granda mocha to read more...keep 'em coming!
Hi all!!
OMG--this is going to be tough! There are some very funny and very SNARKY people out there. Yay!
Sharron
Hm. Right, because alllll those self-help books you read REALLY did the trick. ;
My entry:
Talk to the checkbook, buddy.
Thanks Cathy in AK for posting the contest on FF&P!
Okay, that first effort happened way too early. Can I revise my entry?
Talk to the bank account.
Literati: I don't read those type of books.
RomWriter: How sad, but then if romances weren't trashy, Neanderthals would read!
"Sorry, I don't read."
Oh, yeah, I can tell that just by looking at you.
*sneer* "You write romance?"
Yep. How's that drudge-in-a-cubicle job workin' out for ya?
"I'll read you when you write a real book."
Okay. Come see me when you have a real brain.
answers:
you don't like sex then?
oh dear, I'm crying all the way to the bank... (I think that was Mary Janice Davidson but I could be wrong)
and when people do that patronizing "Oh you're published? Would I know who you are?"
I always tell them I'm Nora Roberts
cheers!
Y'all are HARSH! Remind me not to get a romance writer pissed off at me :)
Laurel: it was my pleasure to post on the FF&P loop. That, or I was merely following directions from the chip Sharron put in my head years ago. Hard to say for sure.
I started reading romance voraciously when I was in college. As an English and history major, my peers used to find out that I read romance and comment in shock, "But you're so smart!"
To which I would say:
Well, I picked up romances because I was tired of reading "classic literature" that only had:
(a) men
(b) women in the background
(c) whores and adulteresses who are punished with death
(d) virtuous mothers who die in childbirth
(d) delicate maidens who die of consumption
Yeah. Noticing a theme here? Call me crazy, but I like books where women are taking action. Getting what they want. Having really great sex.
And I don't think that makes me any less intelligent than the poor person in the corner trying to prove that Hester Prynne is really a feminist icon (no she's not. She was a pariah, people).
Hmmm...I kind of suck at being snarky--but oh well. :p
For the person peering over your shoulder and reading your smutty book--then declaring (gasp) that it is smut and they would never read it:
1.Did you like the part of him entering her slick entrance with his raging inferno of love? (This works better when you remember to bat eyelashes innocently.)
2.Erotica is even more fun to write. I can name a man's c**k by at least 20 different names: (Begin to list in a very loud voice, especially if in public to emberrass them)
Shaft, cock, little fireman...
3.Get your own smutty book. (I need to credit a friend in my MCRW group for this one)
4.You know what smut stands for don't you?
Smart-ass
Misunderstood
Undeniaby sexy
Temptresses
5.What's the matter? Doesn't have enough pictures for you?
6.Then why are you reading it now?
7.Your loss, but you could probably learn a thing or two by reading more.
***I really loved the comeback with a shrug,that my sex life is better than yours. **Smiles
It should end with a child like taunt though of, Neener--neener--neener. :p
These are a hoot! I swear I did a 'spit take' at work. Note to self--do not read these at work.
It's going to be a bitch to pick a winner.
Comment :oh, I’m sure you just churn them out. No offense.
1)oh, I’m sure only morons say that. No offense.
2.)One letter at a time. Kinda like how you read, come to think of it.
3) and yet you’ve written how many? Just keep telling yourself that.
4)ssh! You’ll spoil the secret! Then everyone will know!
5)Yep. Romance and kfc secret recipe. Just can’t crack either one, can you?
I don’t read those books.
1)Oh, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll use smaller words so you can enjoy them too.
2) whatsa matter? Mommy won’t let you read them?
3. well, maybe you will when you’re done with all the other porn on the net.
4) couldn’t get past the cover, huh? Some people just can’t hold their excitement....
5.) Why? They put them on the top shelf or something, short stuff?
5) oh, did you get lost in the bookstore again and couldn’t find them?
6) me neither. I just live it, every day.
7.) Maybe if you got a life you would.
8) all part of my plan for world domination.
9) oh. I guess you only watch it on tv with the other illiterates, huh?
10) What? Not white trash enough for you?
11) well, maybe if we made them animated like a cartoon you could follow along.
12) just tell yourself it’s art and shut the h up.
13) but don’t you remember? The last time you got drunk? That last book was all about you!
14) try smoking less pot. Maybe you’ll get it then.
15)oh no! Didn’t anyone want to read them to you?
16) I don’t write porn! Gasp! You just have a dirty, filthy mind! Pervert!
It’s not a real book.
1) lucky you. It will be much less painful when I beat you with it.
2) it is if you don’t need illustrations to get it.
3) if that’s the lie you tell yourself, whatever.
4) fine. I’ll add some high sounding garbage and we can both pretend to be pretentious.
5) and yet the fans, the acclaim, the checks are real. Hmmm.....
Why can’t you write nice stuff, instead of dark?
1)oh, I’ll carve happy little fairies on you. How does that sound?
2) it’s not dark. You’re just from another dimension.
3) it is nice. You must be the problem, pervert.
Hey moron. You could have used this book as a user's manual for the honeymoon! Only one of us had a good time.
You're just jealous. SEX SELLS!
You vindictive litte-
Vindictive? Are they putting vocabulary words on cereal boxes now?
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my *&$%^.
Shouldn't you be eating your prune danish?
Why would I want to do that?
Because you're obviously full of sh?t.
Don't go all Indiana Jones on me.
I plead the fifth, I know my rights.
Now you're just being snotty.
Weenie.
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